God Is More Interested in My Character and Relationship with Him

 Date: 06/04/2026

Looking back over the 10 years after my second infilling of the Holy Spirit, I now see clearly that God was deliberately holding me back from operating for His specific reason. He wanted to work on my character, to strengthen my relationship with Him, as well as reinforce my actual identity in Him as a child of God. It was not so much about operating in His giftings, but more of being in communion with Him and being His child.

I have observed that many people who operate in such gifting over time, if this foundation was not properly hammered in, the ministry or gifting becomes the identity instead. And as such, their relationship with God was literally pegged to their ministry activities. So during their ministry high, they associated it that they are close to God. And during the ministry low time, which will happen, they may even question if God is with them.

I remembered a friend who operated in one of the spiritual giftings. He was running a ministry along with his spiritual gifting. Many years ago he shared with me that there was a season where the number of miracles he encountered through his ministry was very low, and he was very discouraged. To the extent that one day when he was showering, he was even questioning if God really loved him.

This made me realize how dangerous it can be when identity is tied to ministry. Ministry will always have its ups and downs, and if our sense of closeness with God rides on those highs and lows, our spiritual life can become like a roller coaster.

During this ten-year period, God literally kept constantly reminding me that it is my relationship with Him that matters. My identity in Christ — who I am in Christ — is secure. Nothing, even if I operate or don’t operate in such giftings, will ever make Him love me more or less. His love for me is constant, and my identity is secured in Christ Jesus, regardless of anything. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8, NKJV).

I’ve got to be honest to admit that during this period of refining, I really wanted to operate in this spiritual gifting. I longed to be an agent of the power of God. There was a childish part of me that thought it would feel really cool to lay hands on someone and sense the power of God flowing through. Somehow a sense of feeling powerful was what I wanted. Some of us may also share such thoughts and desires.

In the book of Acts, Simon the Sorcerer saw the apostles laying hands on people so that they received the Holy Spirit. He wanted the same power and even offered money to buy it. But Peter told him that his heart was not right before God and that he should repent (Acts 8:18-24).

I’m really thankful that God didn’t have to send Peter to tell me to repent like Simon. Instead, He took His time with me. Over that season, He slowly shaped my character and helped me shift my paradigm — from chasing after the giftings to simply looking at Him and resting in my relationship with Him as His child.

This reminds me of what Jesus warned in Matthew 7. Many will say to Him on that day, “Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?” Yet He will reply, “I never knew you.” God made sure my foundation was the right one so I would not fall under the very warning this passage gives. (Matthew 7:21-23)

This truth has been deeply burned into my heart. In the end, nothing else matters except this. The rest is secondary.

Then came the breakthrough on that fateful Saturday when my skeptical friend came to my house after the prayer meeting. With my limited knowledge, I simply tried guiding him in a very amateur way to open up and receive the Holy Spirit. For the first time in about 20 years, he experienced the presence of God so powerfully — he was filled with the Holy Spirit right there in my house! For three full hours!

About a week later, while I was showering in a hotel in Malaysia, I felt the presence of God so strongly right there in the toilet! My first thought was to ask Him, “Why of all places in the toilet?” Then I thought I heard this reply: “I’m giving you strength to face the day.” At that moment, a thought suddenly dawned on me that it was exactly the tenth year since my second infilling of the Holy Spirit!

Then, somewhat within me, I felt that it is time that I'm ready to operate.

In the next few months, I witnessed many people around me being filled with the Holy Spirit as I prayed for them. One specific incident stood out to me. One Sunday after the service, a sister from church came to say hi to me while we were still in the service hall. I felt the urge to shake her hand. The moment I did, the power of God just fell on her. She was instantly charged up and filled with the Holy Spirit right there!

Looking back over these ten years, I realise that God indeed knows best. What looked like holding me back was actually refining. Even after operating for close to a year now, this truth has become second nature to me. It has become instinctive to constantly remind myself that my identity in Him is what matters most. Even on days when I don’t operate in any gifting, I feel completely fine with it, because being found in His presence matters more than anything else.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11, NKJV)

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28, NKJV)