Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Phew... peace resides once again....

Now that the game has ended, with both sides inflicting damages.. Minor or serious, we cannot assess. But there is one thing I desire, that the damages can serve us positively.. And also a learning process for us all....

Surprised to me is this, everything fall in place so perfectly.. although nothing was planned.. Situations created alot of realisation within us... and help us discover what we really wanted...

Now is time for recovery, and hope that wound will be bandaged with love. Leaving behind a beauty scar when healed, that will serve positively to us...

This whole eposide is such a painful and high risk game which span over significant time. Although the ending was memorable, with a heavy rain which is a prelude of a rainbow, and hope that this flood shall never repeat again.... just like a promise which happened many years ago.....

Then God said to Noah and to his sons with him: "I now establish my covenant with you and with your descendants after you and with every living creature that was with you—the birds, the livestock and all the wild animals, all those that came out of the ark with you—every living creature on earth. I establish my covenant with you: Never again will all life be cut off by the waters of a flood; never again will there be a flood to destroy the earth."
And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth."
So God said to Noah, "This is the sign of the covenant I have established between me and all life on the earth."
Genesis 9:8-17

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Blood runs thicker than water...

Girl: Is korkor with you?
Dad: Yes..
Girl: Think something he is sad, can you please check on him?
Dad: (to son) Girl said you appeared sad... what happened?

At that moment, eyes almost became watery.. Although after that I had a heart talk with him.. About everything...

My little girl, although our relationship has all the while be strained, maybe because formative years happen in such environment.. Full of pain and full of hurt.. Deprived of the privilage that many have... And we have our individual wounds in the process...

Though it is not our fault, yet we have paid a heavy price for it. So heavy the debt that we have to pay it through our lifetime.

But don't you know one thing, my dear, tear shed for you have accumulated for over the years. When I see you feeling down, I was sad. When you are in pain, I was concerned. Although all these were done in isolation. Don't you know one thing, blood runs thicker than water... And you are always tied to me, regardless of the circumstances.

All our lives, we have always misunderstood each other. And I am aware of that. I may appeared heartless to you.. But thats fine with me.. Afterall we have both been hurt.. And we can blame no one, except the situation.

I am aware of what you mentioned about me to many people, and everytime I heard about it, it hurt me. Although I had to swallow it silently during my isolation.

How many times you showed aggression towards me, and how many times your tongues wagged sharpness on me, which wounded me deep. Instead of returning such favour, I spent alot of efforts in my thought, thinking of ways to help you understand your actions, while trying to be as painless as possible? Although I don't know if the understanding has been delivered.

My little girl, don't you know that it is cursed to know too much here? Don't you understand that this foresight of mine is sometimes a curse? When I have witness so much prediction happened here... Yet, I was powerless to control it.. Making me feel so useless in here..

Have you not known my little girl, I have so much concerns in life.. I have always been looking out for you and the little one, although it is very discrete. All of you are my concern, which is from the same source...

Who can understand this concerns? Which is so inbuilt within me. Resulting in so many sleepless nights...

My dear sister, this love for you is always there, although you will never see it at all.. I just want you to know that I love you..

Don't worry for me.. because your brother is strong, afterall he has survived through so much in life....

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Letting out....

It is now quite late into the night, but yet my eyes are open wide, Seeing all the minds thats running through my mind. Hopes feels scattered that it would be better now, when the major stress factor is removed. But why must stunt start immediately, first from her, then next from him. Living me behind in the cold.
Just in a day, how many times must 月亮笑阮□大呆, 被风骗不知 (mood laughing at me that I have being easily fooled), but yet I accepted it, because of the highest calling that came with it. Though I feels like a knife deep in my heart.

Imagine: how a speaker feels when his audiences seems to be sleeping. Demoralised, unappreciated, foolish or maybe all of the above? How will he feel especially if that audience is of particular importance to him.

Apparently, communications are lacking here. Why can't you just tell me that you are tired earlier, but instead told me to continue talking to the wall. And in the end both sides have to endure an unnecessary hit from the situation..
And what is more, another bullet hit me before that, Excited like a little kid, that I can see you soon... full of anticipation and hope. With such strong urge to see the new day come, where I can visit the shrine where the angel reside.

Then the stunt came.. just like an arrow hitting the soaring hope, that excitement level plummet vertically down! Just like a bird suddenly losing its wings. Excitement drastically dropped to rock bottom of disappointment. Such a high intensity drop, that the impact causes everything in me to scatter into countless bits.

Faith is among one of these scattered bits. Which makes me uncertain over little things, that I will doubt even simple actions such as a promise of a call. That my sense of security is totally gone...
(It will take some time before repair can be completed, though it may be expedite if the catalyse is activated.)

Thus, another bruising session occurred, with a yet another suggestion for curing the symptoms and not the problem. True enough, tomorrow may be better, but the this problem will persist and may even propagate if it is not arrested! Sometimes, I really hope that you can stop running away, as it is not a solution.

True that I may be far behind in priority, and I willingly accepted that, after all they are the integral parts of your life, and I can never replace them. And this is a fact I resigned to. All I ask for is that I will not be bullied by this fact. It is very painful when it happened not once by twice within this short span of time.. Ouch..

Don't you know that you are holding an important key, which I hope that you can use it soon, after such a long time of persuasion? I really feel that the tomorrow may never come...

And to make matter worst, this appear to be a self-explanatory projection for what may happen if it goes through for what may happen in 6 months time. With tangible signs that had, has and will be happening. Which will make the path very stressful.

One was from the 12 days of Chinese isolation, which became a good benchmark. Then came today where tendencies of talking to the wall occurred. Coupled with the fact with the running away syndrome, which usually are resolved in person. And these signs are peppered with the fact that there are so many restrictions in speech (eg. someone around, or that walls have ears), which may also restrict COMMUNICATIONS over distance. And understanding your reactions to potential academic stresses, which can be disastrous with no in-person communications, bundled with the fact that I must queue for your attention behind your beloved when you are away from them. And this is only just a part of the many ingredients...

Ouch... Literally! I see are potential pressure, which extremely high chance in creating a stressful environment, which will definitely hurt both sides, with little repair because of the sheer separation! Ouch.. Ouch... Ouch..

I agree that you are from the planet and that you are manifesting your characteristics. But this tight-rope risk is too unbearable for us to take. And unlike your phone, life has no saved games.

The sun may rise fairly soon... And yet I my eyes are still wide open. Maybe this is also good, so that I may wake up late, so the day of potential misery may pass by quickly, through sleep... Anyway, there is little hopes in savaging this day.

Very soon I will join the society of wilderness, which may not be as ideally friendly for us as what you said. And your support will mean alot for me, to fuel me on in this world of cruelty. Thought I can spend these last few precious days with you in this peaceful valley, before we may not have such carefree privilege anymore. These days of mine are exceptionally short, in relative to many others, but why can't you appreciate this situation. Where such sentiments are unanimously shared with those already in the world- that they crave for this short precious days (which is already much longer than mine) which can never come back until they grow old...

NB: Sometimes, I wonder if it is worth it having both sides hurt unnecessary which can be easily prevent through, communications and more transparency..